My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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