I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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