theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Who died my cat blue again?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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