i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
