i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
