You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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