Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
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