im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
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