my phone cant type all the emotion im having
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
