my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
