I like my sex mixed with concussions.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize