if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
