Me too!
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
