My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
