I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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