Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize
