well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
