i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Randomize
