just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
