I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
don't judge my taste in strippers
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize