living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
