I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
