So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize