It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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