Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
