Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
