Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
