It's Friday. Sex?
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
