He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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