i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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