i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
