Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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