woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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