her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I need to wash the frat house off of me
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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