You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
