Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
