I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
