Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize