I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
