I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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