nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
