Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
It all started with a game of naked twister.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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