You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
