Pappa wants mamma naked
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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