guys are only as good as the porn they watch
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize