the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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