Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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