The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
His nipple licking is glorious
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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