I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
