A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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