"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
