Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
