We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
