I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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