im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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