Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
