Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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