Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Even my vagina gasped.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
