Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
