Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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