I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
