Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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