I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
God, I missed his penis.
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