I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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