I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
