I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Randomize
