Just fell off a train. Bad.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize