So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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