I hate your face
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
